The other day I was walking my dog when out of nowhere this friggin’ ninja just came out of the bushes and knocked me into the street. I opened my eyes to see my “loyal hound” running off down the street after his nose. I pushed the random bush ninja off me and ran off after him. My daughter would be pissed if I went home without him. Again, bam down on the pavement. Fuck bush ninja – I thought – it’s Tuesday, my wife’s making tacos.
“This is your best hiding place yet,” she said, holding a gun to my head. “Suburbia? That’s bold. Even for you.”
I tried to claw my way out from between her thighs but this girl hasn’t missed a leg day like ever. For the first time in my life, I regretted bailing on the wrestling team to go get stoned in Jacob’s van.
“You’ve been watching too much TV.”
“Don’t play dumb Marshall, I found you.”
“Look, lady, I’m more than happy to help you with your prank video but like give a guy some warning. I’ve gotta go find my dog now before my daughter dehydrates from bawling her face off and my wife refuses to let me have tacos.”
The bush ninja’s legs released their vice-like grip. She stood up and pulled my wallet out of my pocket. I turned over to see her scanning my driver’s license with some tech I ain’t never seen before.
“Damn it, not a forgery. You look just like him.”
“So what, you’re like looking for my evil twin?”
“Something like that yeah.”
I have this what the fuck moment and just stare off into the sky for a minute. When I look back down the bush ninja is just gone. I pick my wallet and ID off the ground and stare off in the direction she tackled me from.
“Thanks for ruining taco Tuesday ya bitch.”
So I walk off in the direction my dog went and I end up in this park. And there she is, the fucking bush ninja with her hood off talking on a cell phone.
“It wasn’t him… Yes, I’m sure… Nope, just some suburban asshole obsessed with tacos… Yes, Mr. President… No, Mr. President… The resistance will not succeed Mr. President.”
So at this point, I’m like… I gotta get out of here and I book it back towards my house. Along the way I found my dog all caught up in a different bush. Kinda funny if you think about it. I went home, ate dinner with my family and tucked in my little girl. Then I sat down to watch the news with my wife like I do every night. I saw famine, poverty, discrimination and hatred pumped into the world by the man that was on that phone. And I thought to myself for a second: Maybe I’m the evil twin.